Jane Blonde: Spies Trouble Read online

  Janey approached quietly. She could hear nothing but the tinny sound of a radio playing. Just as she was about to press her ear to the door, the handle turned. Paulette was coming out! Flattening herself against the wall, Janey tried to become invisible, but she was still standing there, bug-eyed, when Paulette opened the door.

  ‘Janey! What are you doing ’ere?’

  ‘I . . . wanted to help!’ said Janey, burning bright red.

  Paulette fixed her with a strange look. Was it . . . pity? Then she smiled warmly. ‘Janey, that ees very kind. See, I zought zis cupboard was a lavatory! Because I was zinking, lavatories take a lot of water, do zey not?’

  Janey paused. The door did have a toilet-y look about it. But the cupboard was pretty small, and it wouldn’t have taken long to figure out there was no toilet in there. Paulette was staring at Janey expectantly, so she said, ‘Yes, they do! Great thought, Paulette. Let’s go . . . erm . . . interview someone in the actual toilets. How often do you flush? That kind of thing.’

  Paulette giggled as Janey, thinking what a stupid thing that was to say, turned even brighter scarlet. Just like the old Janey Brown. She put down her head and scuttled after Paulette, just happening to catch the look that the French girl threw along the corridor to the retreating back of someone who was walking towards the caretaker’s cupboard, the light glistening off his bald head.

  It was Mr Saunders.

  As soon as Janey got home she left a message on the Hallidays’ answerphone, filling them in on Paulette’s strange little trip to the caretaker’s cupboard – and her sighting of Mr Saunders going in to the very same cupboard moments later. Hopefully Alfie would keep his eyes peeled for anything suspicious at Paulette’s that evening. Janey slammed down the phone and leaped up the stairs two at a time. She closed her bedroom door carefully and crept to the fireplace, pushing on the point on the wall that operated the sliding panel. She was about to drop to her knees to wriggle through to G-Mamma’s when she heard her SPI:KE squeaking in fear.

  ‘Now stay back. I’m warning you, I am a fully trained combat expert. And I could always just sit on your fluffy furry little bones!’

  ‘G-Mamma,’ whispered Janey along the tunnel, ‘what’s going on?’

  ‘Blonde, close the panel, quick!’ shouted the SPI:KE.

  Janey surged backwards as fast as she could, but not fast enough. Two pairs of eyes gleamed at her from the depths of the fireplace; as she stood up there was a ferocious snarl and a pair of water rats flew past her ankles and bumped into the bed.

  Janey turned, horrified, as the animals spun around and came at her again. She was still in her school clothes, with no Girl-gauntlet or SPI-buys to turn on them. The first water rat was rushing at her, teeth gnashing. Janey grabbed a huge encyclopedia from the mantelpiece and swung at it. The heavy book bounced off the water rat’s shoulder and the creature dropped, yowling, to the floor. Janey threw the encyclopedia at it with as much strength as she could summon. It landed on the water rat, squashing it flat to the carpet. ‘Gross!’ said Janey out loud. Through the tunnel she could hear G-Mamma swatting at the other animals.

  ‘Think you can get me, huh?’ she was calling. ‘Fancy a piece of Groovelicious G-Mamma, huh? Well, you just try it, little water-ratty-face! Bring it on, you sad little snifflers!’

  Janey heard a couple more thumps and venomous cries – G-Mamma was clearly holding her own. But now the other water rat was circling Janey. It coiled, low to the floor, growling in the back of its throat. It was taking its time, sizing her up, before launching a terrifying attack. Janey was completely defenceless. Any minute now the vicious creature would lunge at her, and with her back to the fireplace she had nowhere to go.

  Except . . . Janey knew what the water rat was thinking. She could see it looking for her most vulnerable spot, the place that would hurt most as it sank its teeth into her. Slowly Janey bent over, looking as anxious as possible, and covered her bony knees with her hands.

  It was a bluff. Much as she hated her knees, they were not her most vulnerable spot. The water rat, however, was fooled, and lunged for them. Janey slapped as hard as she could on the wall above the fireplace and fired her body through the open tunnel like a human cannonball, just ahead of the rat. She whacked the button on G-Mamma’s side of the tunnel and the metal plate slid towards the floor. Janey whipped her feet out of the way of the door as it slammed home, but the rat was not so fast. It howled, thrashing madly. Janey had to turn away as the metal ground down on to the creature’s body. When the parts of the rat she could see had finally stopped wriggling Janey opened the door again, flung the body by its wormlike tail back into her bedroom to join the other on the floor and scrabbled backwards into the Spylab.

  G-Mamma was doing a little celebration dance around the scattered debris on the Spylab floor. ‘We kicked their little rat behinds, oh yeah. Oh yeah!’

  ‘G-Mamma, are you OK? Where are they?’

  ‘Scarpered!’ G-Mamma rolled her hips in a victory shimmy. ‘Ran away when they saw what they were up against! Just when I was about to lock them in the freezer too. How’d you get on, Blondette?’

  ‘I . . . I think I killed them both.’

  They were silent for a moment, and Janey couldn’t stop her eyes filling up. The rats might be evil vermin, but she didn’t want to be a killer.

  ‘You did what you had to do, Spylet,’ said G-Mamma. ‘They’d have done the same to you, mighty all-righty.’

  ‘But what were they doing here?’

  G-Mamma pointed to where Trouble sat shivering under a workbench. ‘Looking for Trouble again. They’d backed him into a corner when I found them.’

  Janey sighed. ‘I don’t understand why they think they can learn anything about Crystal Clarification from him. Why can’t they just leave him alone?’

  ‘Hmm,’ said G-Mamma gravely. ‘Who knows how they’ve even found out anything about Solomon’s work. I don’t like it. Evil’s close again, Blonde. We have to let your father know what’s going on.’

  ‘But I haven’t heard from him – and I’ve no way of getting in touch.’

  ‘Nobody at SPI has heard from him either, but don’t you worry, we’ll track him down,’ said G-Mamma, flicking on the kettle. ‘Now, that was a bit of a shock, wasn’t it? Think we need some hot sweet tea and a Fondant Fancy or three.’

  Janey shook her head. ‘I’d better go and move those bodies before Mum sees them. She’ll have a fit if she finds dead rats in the house. Could you do a search on the Sun King for me?’

  ‘Sure. I want to find out about that Spylab anyway. Maybe shut it down. Now don’t you worry about the cakes – I’ll eat yours for you.’ G-Mamma popped a Fondant Fancy into her mouth. ‘Let’s debrief in the morning. Good way to start the weekend.’

  Janey nodded and pushed back through the tunnel. She would have to put the dead water rats in her SPI-buys box and bury them in the garden later – not something she’d look forward to at the best of times, but especially not in the dark, when more murderous animals might be lurking. On her elbows she shuffled forward into her room, dreading what she had to do.

  But the sight that met her was even worse than she was expecting.

  Janey gulped.

  They were gone. The dead water rats were nowhere to be seen. Only the fallen encyclopedia gave any hint of the fracas that had just occurred, and as she felt a cold breeze ruffle her hair Janey saw their means of escape. The window was wide open. The other three animals must have climbed in and pulled the bodies away.

  This is really weird, thought Janey.

  If only she could get in touch with her father he would know what to do. But she didn’t have a way of contacting him – right when she needed him most.

  rats and brats

  Janey got up on Saturday to find her mother already sitting at the table, fully dressed. ‘Good morning, darling!’

  ‘Morning, Mum,’ said Janey cautiously. ‘You’re up early’ Her mother was not known for being at her be
st first thing. Janey didn’t trust the eager look on her face, or the way she was gushing.

  ‘I know! I’ve no idea where all this energy is coming from. But Abe wants to go through some more ideas. We’re very keen at Clean Machines! Oh! Sounds like a slogan, doesn’t it?’ Grinning, Jean waved the newspaper at Janey. ‘Anyway, just time to read this before we get picked up at nine.’

  Janey hardly dared to ask. ‘Where are we going at nine?’

  ‘Well, Abe thought it would be a good plan for us to do a tour of the area and check out what car-wash facilities there already are. And then we can have lunch out in the country somewhere.’

  Janey did not want to go. There was too much to do. She had to debrief with G-Mamma. She needed to talk to the Hallidays. Most of all, she had to find a way to get in touch with her father and warn him that the Sun King was after Trouble and had a team of evil water rats as back-up. Oh, and she’d better tell him that his beloved wife was looking very mushy over another man. ‘You don’t want me getting in the way, Mum. Why don’t I see if I can spend the morning at Alfie’s?’

  ‘What a good idea!’ said her mother, rather too quickly. ‘You’re right, of course, it would be very boring for you. We’ll drop you on the way. Now I must iron my new top.’

  With a sigh, Janey walked into the hall and picked up the phone. ‘Hello, Mrs Halliday, it’s Janey. Is it OK if I come round today? Mum’s going out. Yes, it will be great to have a good long chat with you and Alfie and . . . well, anyone else who might turn up.’ Janey knew that her SPI:KE had tapped the Browns’ phone and hoped she would pick up the message and meet her at the Hallidays’ underground Spylab.

  As Janey put the receiver down there was a smart rap at the door behind her. Through the glass panel she could see Abe Rownigan lurking tentatively on the doorstep, and as she opened the door he held out a small gift-wrapped parcel.

  ‘For you, Janey!’ he said. She took the package, confused. ‘Sort of . . . an apology for monopolizing your mum a bit. And something for you to do in the back of the car today when we’re nattering about business things.’ He looked at her anxiously. ‘If you’ve already got one, I can change it for something else.’

  Opening the packet, Janey cast an eye furtively over Abe Rownigan. He seemed pleasant enough. Janey almost felt sorry for him – he had no way of knowing that Jean Brown’s husband, who was meant to have died a decade ago, was actually still alive and still in love with his wife – and still the only dad that Janey would ever want. She smiled brightly and focused her attention on unwrapping her gift.

  ‘Oh, wow! An iPod!’ Janey went pink with pleasure. ‘No, I haven’t got one of these – they cost a fortune, don’t they? But . . . I probably shouldn’t take it. I’m not even coming with you today.’

  Looking disappointed, Abe shrugged. ‘Oh, well, I was . . . you know . . . looking forward to getting to know you, Janey. I think it’s important we all get on, with your mum and me about to go into partnership. But never mind. There’ll be other times. And of course you should keep the iPod. I hope you like my musical taste too – I’ve recorded some things on there.’

  ‘Thanks, Abe. Thank you very much,’ Janey stammered.

  ‘Don’t mention it.’ He started to smile, but was interrupted by a thrashing sound from the bushes. Suddenly Trouble launched himself from the hedge and jumped up on to Abe’s thigh. He tried to shake the cat off but Trouble hung on determinedly, trying to climb up his jacket.

  ‘Trouble!’ Janey collared the cat and yanked him off Abe. ‘I’m so sorry. Maybe . . . maybe it’s because you’re so tall. He might think you’re a tree.’

  ‘Ha, yes, a tree! Easy mistake to make!’ Abe guffawed, but Janey thought she caught him glaring at Trouble as he walked up the hall.

  ‘Janey, is that Abe?’ Jean Brown was glowing in a rose-pink top. ‘We may as well get going, don’t you think?’

  ‘After you,’ said Abe. Wreathed in smiles, he pointed to a large shabby car. ‘Excuse the dirt. I thought it might look peculiar turning up at a car wash in something immaculate.’

  Janey clambered on to the cracked leather seat in the back and turned on the iPod as her mother and Abe chattered happily. To anyone outside it must have looked like a happy family outing, thought Janey. She switched up the volume as a new song began: ‘Isn’t she lovely?’ sang a man into her ear. ‘Isn’t she wonderful?’ Janey couldn’t believe it! Abe was letting her know what he thought of her mother! Angrily she ripped out the earphones and shoved the iPod into her pocket, then muttered goodbye as she jumped out at Alfie’s house.

  ‘Are you all right, Blonde?’ said Mrs Halliday as she opened the front door. ‘You look quite sick.’

  Just then G-Mamma raced up the path, a vision in a gold-and-silver kaftan. ‘Solomon’s sickly swoonies, girly-girl. Just saw your mum drive off with a very yummalicious man. What’s that all about?’

  ‘That’s enough, Rosie,’ said Maisie Halliday. ‘Come on in, everybody. We’d better start talking.’

  They all trooped down to the Halos’ Spylab under the stairs, gathering around a polished steel table in the middle. Mrs Halliday assured them that they could leave checking out Mr Saunders to her.

  ‘And as for Paulette,’ said Alfie, ‘the caretaker’s cupboard does look like a toilet from the outside.’

  Janey glared at him. Now he was starting to stand up for Paulette instead of taking her side. ‘Well, it doesn’t from the inside. It shouldn’t have taken her five minutes to work it out.’

  Alfie just shrugged as G-Mamma slapped a hand on the table. ‘Never mind all that for now. What’s going on with your mother?’

  Janey told them all about the meetings and plans with Abe Rownigan. ‘And now he’s even buying me presents to make me like him,’ she ended, throwing the iPod on to the table.

  Mrs Halliday and G-Mamma looked at each other. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ they said in unison.

  Mrs Halliday turned to Janey. ‘Looks like a SPI-Pod to me – a SPI-Position Orbital Detector. They’re made to look like an ordinary iPod. Only a handful of top spies have them – they’re still in development.’

  ‘You can use it to tag people,’ said G-Mamma. ‘or to listen in on their conversations.’ She pulled off one of her large silver wedge-heel shoes. ‘As long as you have this on you, Janey, that Abe character can pinpoint exactly where you are – and hear exactly what you say!’ And with that she heaved the shoe above her head and thumped it down on the SPI-Pod. It cracked into two pieces, both of which were set upon by G-Mamma’s new hammer. ‘Well. That. Takes. Care. Of. That!’ she said, whacking with each word.

  Janey was speechless. Abe had meant to spy on her!

  Mrs Halliday smiled gently. ‘You’ll have to look out for Abraham Rownigan, Janey. For your mother’s sake too.’

  ‘Shh!’ said Alfie suddenly. ‘Someone’s outside.’ He indicated a small red light that was blinking on and off on the control console beside them.

  ‘Onions with bunions! Look out there in your vegetable patch!’ shrieked G-Mamma. She peered into a large chrome periscope above the table. ‘Well, if that doesn’t just prove it. He planted the SPI-Pod on you, for sure, to lead those evil little weasels right to us.’

  Janey snatched the periscope from G-Mamma and gazed at the view in the Hallidays’ garden. ‘But . . . but that’s not possible. There are five of them!’

  ‘Perfect, Blonde!’ said G-Mamma, taking a shoe in each hand. ‘One each for you guys and two for me.’

  But Janey had turned white. ‘G-Mamma . . . Halos. I killed them. I’m sure I did. Last night, two of them were definitely dead.’

  ‘There must be more of them,’ said Mrs Halliday sensibly.

  ‘No, it’s the same ones,’ said Janey. ‘Look, the big reddish one and the one with a bit taken off its tail.’

  ‘You must have just knocked them out,’ said Alfie, reaching for a button, ‘or maybe they were faking so they could escape. Put your clodhoppers down, G-
Mamma. You won’t need those today.’

  Janey watched through the periscope as Alfie flicked on the water sprinkler system, then turned up the pressure until each jet was like a water cannon. The water rats were hit from every direction, blasted painfully in the ribs, face, tail. Over and over the jets ricocheted off them. After a couple of minutes of bedlam, all five fled. Alfie was right – Janey must only have stunned them.

  ‘Better keep these to hand,’ said G-Mamma, brandishing her shoes. ‘Don’t want those things attacking me on the way home. I’m going to go and do some more investigation into Mr Rownigan and the growly old Sun King – you never know, they might just be one and the same person.’

  ‘Right,’ said Mrs Halliday, getting to her feet, ‘and I’m going to do something about our defence system. I don’t want those creatures turning up in the bedroom at night. You two can debrief,’ she finished, looking at the two Spylets, ‘while Al Halo tidies his bedroom.’

  ‘Aw, Mum, come on!’ groaned Alfie.

  ‘You’re only a Spylet some of the time, Alfie. But you’re my son all the time, and my son keeps his bedroom tidy. Hop to it.’

  When Janey saw the state of Alfie’s room she could see why his mother had put her foot down. Football kit was strewn around on top of magazines, school books and half-eaten bowls of cornflakes. ‘Euuww. How can you sleep in here?’

  ‘Don’t you start as well,’ said Alfie. ‘It’s not my fault the last cleaners turned out to be psycho killers.’

  Janey picked up an exercise book on which Alfie had written: ‘Project’. The pages were completely empty. ‘So what did you find out about Paulette?’

  ‘Well, not much.’ Alfie piled some clothes into a thick wad and stuffed them under the bed. ‘Bet she doesn’t have to tidy her own room though. They’re pretty rich. Nice pool – we had a good swim. Then Clod the cook made us tea and drove me home. Excellent steak-frites.’

  ‘Clod the cook? And that’s all you found out?’ said Janey crossly. ‘That they’re rich and eat nice food? What about the weird stuff in the caretaker’s closet?’